Obtaining and persisting in higher-level positions

How could I possibly do this job with two kids? Balancing work and life while moving up the ladder.

I have two children: one is seven and the other four. I am the Dean of University Libraries at Towson University, with broad oversight of 53 faculty librarians, staff, and between 40-50 student assistants. I have held this position since August 2020, after leaving Sacramento State University where I was first the Head of Library Information Systems followed by an interim appointment as associate dean managing systems and technical services, and culminating in my appointment as Associate Dean for Digital Technologies and Resource Management. My first academic library appointment was at Cal Poly Pomona, also a California State University campus, as a faculty librarian in charge of the systems department. I am not a first career librarian; I spent a decade in telecommunications and games industries serving in business development, sales, and product management roles. In 2009, I decided to return to graduate school as I wanted better work life balance and eventually wanted to have children; I didn’t see that as possible in the corporations that I had worked in. I hold an MLIS and an MBA, so I had been a manager prior to entering academia and this, combined with my tech skills and affinity for systems, likely made my path to leadership shorter. 

In 2016, I was at Cal Poly Pomona and pregnant with my first child. I had no intentions of changing institutions or jobs, but various personal circumstances and some interactions with the Dean of the Library from Sacramento State led me to consider a change. In the midst of maternity leave, I relocated to Sacramento, starting a new job as my leave concluded. I began my role as permanent Associate Dean while three months pregnant with my second child and took maternity leave in my first year in that higher role. I vowed not to change institutions again until both of my children were out of diapers, but in 2020, I was drawn to a growth institution on the East Coast close to most of my family and I decided to move despite my earlier hesitations.

Has taking on a Dean job been challenging as a mom of two kids, who at the time, weren’t school age? Most certainly. This was exacerbated by the pandemic; my entire interview process was virtual and my library opened up to limited student populations a week after I started. I didn’t meet some librarians or staff members until months after I started. I am a single mother; my children see their father abroad in the summer time, but they are with me most of the time outside of weekends with their grandparents about once a month. I very much enjoy my children, as they’ve reached ages that are much more fun than the infant and toddler times. Having less time with my children because of my work makes me really appreciate the time I do have with them. And my daughter has permission to tell me to get off my phone! We try to get out at least once a weekend, but we are also fine hanging around the house and recovering, resting and relaxing. 

I know it can be hard to think it’s possible to have a big job and have small children, but there are some perks:

• I very much enjoy being in the know and I always have. I am less frustrated with work than I might be if I wasn’t seeing as much behind the scenes as I do. 
• I enjoy working in a public institution that makes the lives of underrepresented individuals better by increasing their social mobility. The work I do has impact on many and I can share the importance of that with my children.
• I am positively challenged at work most of the time. If I wasn’t challenged, it wouldn’t be as easy to show up for work as it is. Sure, I am tired frequently, but there’s always a problem to solve, a process to improve, or funds to chase. Being challenged helps me have some fulfillment outside of my home life.  

I admittedly have some regrets. I regret missing my daughter’s kindergarten picnic because I was in a meeting with a high-level administrator that was difficult to schedule and had pressing topics. I now ask for dates at school well in advance.  I also regret not taking a real maternity leave with my oldest. I interviewed for the job at 37 weeks, got an offer a few weeks into leave, returned for a week to wrap things up at the job I was leaving, and then spent most of maternity leave selling a house, looking for new housing, and getting set up in a new town. My second maternity leave was glorious; the first was stressful both in terms of being a new mother and being busy moving. I didn’t get to enjoy my time with my daughter the way I might’ve liked. 

I also have a number of recommendations for doing the impossible balancing act of children and a big job. Shonda Rhimes is correct that having it all is a myth; inevitably parts of your life will suffer. But you can alleviate some of that suffering by considering what kind of work you do, how fulfilling it is to you, and whether or not the people you are surrounding yourself with are supportive of working mothers. 

• Work for people who care about mothers. This is very hard to determine in a job interview if you’re willing to or able to share that you have children. But you can also research your supervisors, colleagues, etc. to see if they are parents or seem to have parent-friendly policies. You can also ask HR departments about this confidentially before taking a position.
• Do something fulfilling. I worked for years in competitive business development positions and did not feel that I was helping anyone other than helping the board or CEO line their pockets. Working for the public good and for social mobility for students encourages me to go to work each day, knowing that I will help generations of young people. 
• If you are in a high level position, consider if you’re willing to be vulnerable. Your struggle, even if it is slightly censored and not as transparent as what you actually experience, may help someone lower in the hierarchy think that they can attain higher level positions too. During work-from-home mandates at the start of the COVID19 pandemic, I frequently would introduce my children to people on camera or share struggles. Once on campus, I witnessed someone from my organization struggling to get a child in the car. I sent an email later describing the time that my son peed himself and ran through a campus building while evening classes were in session. I also told them they were doing a great job as a parent. It matters that we acknowledge struggle. 
• I have clear priorities; when a child is sick, I have to stay home. Sometimes I can take meetings from home, but not always and certainly not all the meetings I usually have. I am fortunate that I have an organization that supports me as a caregiver and also acknowledges that I am entitled to the leave I have earned.
• My mothering skillset has led me to be better at compartmentalizing work and personal lives. My children need my attention at home, so I leave work at work. If I need to answer an urgent email, I will and I can, but generally work needs to wait until after they go to bed, and most of the time until the next work day. 
• Build your network, whether it’s a list of on-call babysitters, including which ones will and won’t watch sick kids, parents of your kids’ friends, family members who are close enough and willing to help, or neighbors. It is absolutely OK to ask for help and you deserve time. I often book a babysitter a few weeks in advance just to have a night to myself to run errands alone. 
• Consider prioritizing exercise and sleep if you can. Getting enough sleep helps me deal with the stresses. I wake up early during the week to exercise and make sure to exercise every day on the weekend or days off. I always feel more prepared to face my day (and my children) if I’ve blown off some steam by exercising. 

All of these things may seem easier said than done and I will absolutely admit that I don’t get this all right most of the time. Set your priorities and stick to them as best as you can. 

Before I had children, I was of the mindset that I could always reach with my next job. Most leaders do not start leadership or management positions with all of the experience they need. They grow on the job. This may seem daunting to consider if you’d like to move up. But you wrangle children, so you can do anything. Set reasonable goals, prioritize, and forgive yourself when it doesn’t all happen the way you’d like it to.